Outing

Today started out really badly, I went straight back to my room to cry after I had breakfast with my parents.. And lunch didnt turn out great. Almost binged, but hell did I distract myself with a ton of my schoolwork. My wrist kinda hurts after hours of writing.. Anyway, I actually had a planned outing with my clique to the beach, but we  I kinda asked them to postpone it (again) for the 3rd week in a row because I was feeling fat and disgusted and all with myself. But eventually.. We settled to having a simple dinner plus a little catch-up session with that. To say that it ended pretty well was an understatement. I’m so proud of myself for whatever thoughts’ gone through my mind throughout the whole of today. I’ve definitely learnt alot today, in a way or two I think. And I feel like yet another new chapter of my life is about to begin, real soon. YESSSA 1 MORE DAY TO GOING BACK TO KICKING ASS IN THE GYM!! 

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BUTT SO SORE

From being so god damn sedentary the past few days. UGHHH I MISS MY SQUATS! My lower back’s slowly getting better. My wrist still kinda hurts every now and then :( REALLY PRAYING HARD I CAN GET BACK TO THE GYM BY NEXT MONDAY.. :(

Face’s all puffed up, thighs almost exploding from my skinny jeans.. And the urge to binge won’t fucking go away. I’m late for school. I could have chosen not to go. But I forced myself to still go. Because I know that if I get thru today, the next few times when I wake up hating myself like this again, at least I won’t let it affect my school attendance and try to skip school everytime this happens. It’s happened too many times. Today, I think im finally willing to just fucking let it go. Let go of the hatred and resentment I’ve towards myself and stop blaming the fuck out of everything and everyone. I really hope this goes well :’(

Patience

So, the trick is not to think of it as patience. It’s just breathing. Pausing. Recovering. Taking a moment to gather your strength. It’s not waiting, it’s not lingering, it’s not stupid downtime that you hate so much like the fact that you have to sleep every night and miss fantastic things happening in the world. You were born to act and make shit happen, not sit on your ass like some fool letting life pass you by!

You have to learn to breathe or you’re going to pass out.You have to learn to pause, to have patience, to rest, or you’re going to burn out. Don’t be in such a rush all the time. Be smart. Stop. Learn. Listen. Maybe even do nothing — absolutely nothing — once in a while. It’s not going to kill you, or derail your plans for world domination. It’s actually going to help. Keep working hard, but sometimes learn to just breathe. Everything will come in due time. Or it won’t. And life will go on …

Does anyone else feel hungry/not full after consuming wheat products? Or is it just me?

It’s taking me A HELL LOT of willpower and strength to not binge for the previous few days. My lower back isn’t recovering as *fast* as I wish to, and every morning when I wake up with that same twinge in my lower back, I just want to cry and lock myself up in the room and binge the whole day away. It’s eating me alive, the urge to want to do things to “punish” myself, blame myself and wallow in self pity all over again, to make me feel like I shouldn’t deserve this at all, and someone else out there (somewhere) ought to be held responsible for all my mistakes. I have no one to blame but myself, no one at war with but myself, yet I choose to put the blame on everyone else around me AND make them feel bad for all the failures I’ve had. It’s like I have this hot coal in my hands, always wanting to hurl it at anyone who comes at me, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want them to be hurt, SO I WAIT. With the coal in my hands. And the only person who gets hurt is me.